Parent notes

When your child says, "But they can do it better"

By Carrie 5 min read

A small way to listen when your child starts comparing themselves with someone else.

Watercolor illustration of a mother listening to two daughters drawing at a table together.
Illustrative artwork, not a photograph of a real family.

Illustrative artwork, not a photograph of a real family.

It can arrive in a small voice after school, at the playground or beside a half-finished drawing: "But they can do it better than me."

The first instinct is often to correct the feeling straight away. "No, you are good at it." "Don't compare." We mean well, but children sometimes need us to pause before we solve the feeling for them.

Start with the feeling, not the answer

Try a simple question: "What made you feel that way?"

You might hear that a friend finished their worksheet faster, someone else got picked first, or a sibling made something that looked more polished. The detail matters because it tells you what your child is really worried about.

UNICEF Malaysia's positive-parenting guidance encourages parents to listen to a child's ideas and needs with curiosity instead of criticism. This is a useful place to begin. You do not need to agree with every conclusion. You are showing your child that the feeling is safe to bring to you.

Make the comparison more specific

Once they have had a chance to talk, help them describe the moment without making it a verdict on themselves.

Instead of "She is better at drawing," you could say, "You liked how she used lots of colour." Instead of "I am slow," try, "You wanted more time to finish." A specific sentence gives your child something they can understand and work with.

Then bring the focus back to their own next step. "Would you like to try a new colour tomorrow?" "Do you want help starting the first question?" The goal is not to make children compete less by pretending everyone is the same. It is to help them notice what they want to learn or try.

Keep praise honest

Big praise can sometimes feel hard for a child to believe when they are disappointed. Be warm, but stay close to what you saw.

"You kept working even when that part was tricky." "You asked for another turn." "You chose your own idea." These are small observations, and they are easier for a child to hold on to than a general "You're the best."

If they are comparing with a sibling, avoid turning it into a scorecard. Give each child a separate moment of attention where you can talk about what they are doing, enjoying or practising.

Let the moment pass

Some comparisons need a conversation. Others only need a cuddle, a drink of water and a change of scene. Your child may come back to the same worry another day. That does not mean you got the first conversation wrong.

The useful part is the pattern: listen first, name what happened, then help them find one small next step. Over time, your child learns that someone else's strength does not have to erase their own progress.

For more small parent notes, visit the Boo & Bub Journal.

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